Lu's Lexis

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Olaoluwa: Wealth of God
19. UMD. For Kairo, Milo, and Shiloh.

…I told myself nothing was wrong
I painted pictures
I laughed
I had relations
I told myself that I dealt with it all
The baggage
The hurt
The pain
…I didn’t feel it anymore, so I thought it was gone
I told myself lies..
My veins began to flood with pain
I screamed, because I didn’t know where it was coming from
I closed my eyes because I was afraid to see the evil I committed on myself
I reeked with 20 years of dried tears and I didn’t know what to do…
I tossed and turned yearning for the light at the end of the tunnel
I’m not sure if it was light I saw…
But when I looked,
I saw a reflection of a whole me, a healed me.
My light at the end of the tunnel.

When you like someone, aren’t you supposed to like the pieces that make them who they are. Their flaws. You like their reactions, their commitments, the way they correct themselves, the things they stand for. It’s in this very awkward moment of my life, that I have to remind myself what the definition of “liking someone” is. What if I don’t like everything aforementioned about you? What if I have no reason to like you but i do. Is that what they call; unconditional love? Me not having any reason to base my affection towards you, but still acknowledging them all the same. Honestly, I’m working through this in my mind as I type. I don’t like anyone, I just want to be able to identify it when I do. I went from liking a lot of people to liking none. I’m not really sure what happened, and I don’t know if I want to regain what was lost. But, I want to have a clear understanding of what was lost. What does it mean to like someone? Is like controllable or is it innate? Any thoughts?